William Gray, a leading hurricane researcher, predicted that the East coast would see a "very active" hurricane season in 1995. Only one, Opal, actually reached the U.S. According to the Knight-Ridder story published June 8, 1995, Gray was believed to be the only researcher who made hurricane predictions. Apparently lacking concern for his scientific credibility, he might have had a long career making absurd predictions were it not for Vice-President Al-Nino Gore stumbling forth to become the leading prophet of climatic doom and nasty weather. But that's another hot-air story.

This old hurricane clipping recently led me to find other prediction stories that Knight-Ridder hasn't reported. Many Macon-based prognosticators labor without due recognition of their uncanny predictive abilities.

Gus T. Brezas is a local meteorologist who makes a startling weather prediction. "There's no doubt whatsoever," said Brezas, "That we'll have weather next year, assuming that we retain our atmosphere. Since we've had an atmosphere for around 4 billion years, I'll wager that it'll last at least another year." Asked about El Nino, Brezas responded, "El Ninos are as ancient as our oceans. The only thing new about El Nino is that everyone's aware of it....now we can blame all our forecasting mistakes on El Nino."

Currently an engineer at YKK's Macon plant, Levi Fulcrum is a former Madison Avenue advertising consultant who also worked for the Democratic National Committee's think-tank, Progressive American National Information Center (PANIC). Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source informs me that DNC officials are begging Fulcrum to develop a "locking zipper" for a certain "high-profile member" of the party. But I digress.

Fulcrum's nationally acclaimed work at PANIC uniquely enables him to predict upcoming DNC spin campaigns. He accurately predicted the "mean-spirited" slogan of December 1994 and the "It's the economy stupid!" campaign in June 1992. "Don't expect originality in 1998," said Fulcrum. "We'll definitely see a blend of old but seemingly effective material such as the 'bureaucratic snafu,' the 'right-wing conspiracy' and the 'mistakes were made' slogans. Despite a lackluster reception, the 'I'm a victim of aggressive women' campaign will continue." Fulcrum added, "The 'Focus-like-a-laser-beam' slogan will be re-introduced and intensified to counter claims that Whitewater, FBI-files, campaign-gate and forni-gate are a distraction from policy-making."

"It ain't bragging if it's true," said Bob Bilgemore, a marketing research analyst at Mercer University's Stetson School of Business. Bilgemore specializes in municipal promotional slogans and he takes credit for the 1995 slogan New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani unveiled on Late Night with David Letterman: "We Can Kick Your City's Ass." Comedian Bill Cosby blasted the slogan saying, "It gives the impression that New Yorkers are nasty and rude." Bilgemore replied, "What's your point, Jello-brain?"

Working with local leaders, Bilgemore helped develop the following promotional slogans for central Georgia communities which he predicts will help them compete for industrial development:

Byron - "Our County is the Peachiest."

Centerville - "The Mall is Ours; It's Not in Warner Robins!"

Forsyth - "Slow Down, What's Your Rush?"

Gray - "We're on Your Way...to Someplace Better."

Jackson - "Good Barbecue and an Electric Chair."

Perry - "A Rodeo and a Gun Show Don't Make Us Rednecks."

Sandersville - "Our Dirt is Whiter."

Warner Robins - "Our Safety Against BRAC was Second to Nunn."

Unadilla - "Read Again, it's Not Armadillo."

Macon - "Our City Council is the Biggest!" or

"Cherry Trees, Cigarettes, Insurance & Zippers: A Great Combo." or

"A Bridge to the 21st Century--but not across Ocmulgee Fields swamp!" or

"If our lame humor columnists were horses, we'd shoot 'em."

Macon's City Council will meet soon to select the best slogan from their short-list of 137 favorites (space is limited here). I predict relatively quick agreement, but I never predict debate intensity or the year agreement will be reached.

Copyright Ó1998 Steve Scroggins - All rights reserved.